Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Just not today

It was over the weekend, and we had an overly-tired toddler on a weird sleep schedule along with an overly-frustrated mom of a toddler who was pretty sure she was getting it all wrong.   I felt like I was so needed but had nothing left to give.  It was a day of tears and tantrums.  Nothing big deal, no life-threatening injury or illness, it was just a day where I felt like an inadequate mom.  I felt like in that moment, I was failing.  Gerald saw my frustrations when he came into the room when I gave myself a "time-out."  I was upset and was saying how I'm pretty sure I'm screwing this all up....that I was pretty sure I was screwing her up.
But look how much she loves me...

I laid in my house alone after the two of them went out for a little while, praying for strength and patience to endure my greatest blessing and I realized how strong I am,  I had this epiphany that God chose ME to parent this little girl.  Before bed we say prayers and talk about blessings, we always thank God for each other, for bringing us together.  He could've chosen anyone to be her mom, but He chose me.  And I'm so thankful that He did.

SO, I decided.  That starting tomorrow my mindset would be, "just not today."

-When I see the toys piling in the corners and I couldn't keep up the messes, I wouldn't stress about it, just not today.

-When it's nap time and I had 34029593 tasks and anywhere from 1-3 hours to do it.  I would do what I could, not dwell on the things I couldn't get done, just not today.

-When I'm trying to make dinner but I'm asked to play babies, I'll take 5 and play, that I'll do that today.

-When I rock you and sing songs, I'll do it as long as you let me, because I know these days are numbered.  I won't rush downstairs to shower, or to a glass bottle of wine, just not today.  Today, I'll look into your eyes and give you my presence.

-When I hear you in your room, loving on your babies, mimicking all of the things I say to you, I'll know I'm doing something right.   Today, I'll give myself some credit.

-When we struggle, because all of the days won't be pretty and some will be messy, I won't be hard on myself, just not today.  Today will be full of grace and silver linings.  (Like the fact that maybe I'm wearing eyeliner or have clean hair or the fact that you spent half an hour of giggles or that you're using your manners when I don't prompt you, whatever it may be.)

It won't be every day.  Some days I will feel defeated, most days I will feel challenged, but every day.  Every single day, even if it's just for a second, I will appreciate how blessed I am.  

To all of you rockstar moms out there, keep doing your thing and raising these amazing babies.