I know that my day-to-days are greatly shaping Kaylee, but I so often think about how differently difficult it will be to parent a kid, a teenager, and a young adult. There are some values I hold closely to my core, so I wrote this in hopes of checking back if and when times are tough, to be sure I'm doing my best with my babies, so here it goes:
The Power of DOING
I remember leaving
for college, leaving to live in another city, and leaving to live with my new
and growing family, and my mom trying to cram her last bits of knowledge onto
me. I’m talking “Did I teach you the
importance of looking both ways before crossing the street?” knowledge. I may have rolled my eyes then, but now, I
totally get it. We’re given this window
of time to teach our children all that we can to make them contributing
citizens of our society and to ensure they can make it without us. What my mom probably didn’t realize at the
time was that it didn’t matter how many times she told me it was important to
look both ways before crossing the street, but how many times she simply looked
both ways with me, or did it by herself even when she didn’t think I was
looking. That, the most effective form
of teaching our young, is modeling.
That, is the power of doing.
We want our daughters
to love their bodies, to treat them with respect, and that being strong is
beautiful. Telling them, “love your
body, respect your body, see your strength as beauty” will typically have
little to no impact. The most
influential way to teach your daughter to love her body? Love yours. Flaws and all. Omit the word diet from your vocabulary. Compliment yourself, in front of her. Don’t just tell her she’s strong, work on
things together that only the strong can accomplish, like shoveling the
driveway or raking an entire yard of leaves, you know, one of those jobs that’s
“for the boys” and afterward reward yourselves with cookies and ice cream. Exercise in front of her. Dress appropriately. And what I think the best way to teach having
respect for your body? Have respect for
yours, and those around you. Don’t talk derogatorily
about young girls around you, but try to lift them up. Don’t point out fashion faux pas, but admire
differences. Even purple hair on twelve year olds. Which leads me to my next
point, Kindness.
“Be kind to one
another.” Ever heard those words? Spoken by the one and only, Ellen DeGeneres. Ever wonder why they’re so impactful coming
from her? It’s because every day, she
spreads kindness. She does kind things,
and she makes people feel good. We can
tell our teenage sons and daughters until we are blue in the face that if they
see someone sitting alone in the cafeteria, then invite them over to eat, but
how can we model this? It’s hard. Whether you’re a busy working mom running
from sport to activity to PTA meeting or a stay at home mom with littles, it’s
hard to fit random acts of kindness into our jam-packed days, but, to teach
kindness, to raise kind kids, it’s what we have to do. If you see someone crying in the bathroom,
ask if they’re ok in front of your child.
Compliment the cashier. Tell your
waitress what a phenomenal job she’s doing.
Ask your child’s bus driver about his/her grandchildren. To show kindness, we must show interest in
others. Do this in front of your
children, and, like Ellen, when you tell them to be kind, they will listen
because they are seeing it first hand.
Accept others’
differences. I want my son and my
daughter to love the differences that make up our world. I want them to know that God made each of us
as a masterpiece that one another can learn from. How do we model this? We have intentional conversations about
racism and that it does still exist. We
talk about gender and sex. We talk about
homosexuality. We realize the tragic realities of kids who feel they can't go to their friends and families if they feel "Different," so we tell our sons that if
they love a boy, we will love them just as much as if they love a girl. That their gay friends are just as wonderful
as their straight friends. We tell our
daughters the same thing. If we hear others
speak in ways that honor bigotry or sexism or discrimination, even if it’s coming
from the elderly, we speak up, in front of our children. It’ll be awkward or uncomfortable for all
parties, but necessary. This teaches
them to never, ever be a bystander. If
someone you know says the “n” word or the “r” word, you speak up. We teach our children to accept differences
by standing up to those who do not.
Treat others with
respect. We, in fact, are raising our
children to be someone else’s. I say my baby so frequently when referring to
Kaylee and her unborn brother. Because,
right now, in our small little world that some days only consists of the walls
of our home, they are mine. I know in my
heart I am raising them both to be someone else’s. Someone else’s mother, father, husband,
wife. I want them to want my presence
but in no way need it. I want them to
feel dependent on the love of our family, but independent enough to start their
own. How do we model independence? I’m not really sure. I think all of that comes from support of the
pursuit of their dreams. Don’t pressure
them to live at home or stay at a college near by. Support them, offer advice, but let them
leap. Even if you know they may fall
short. If they forgot their homework for
the third time this month, don’t drive it up to school. Let them learn consequences and
hardship. The path of least resistance
isn’t usually the one that builds the most character or that teaches the
greatest lessons. Making things easy for
our children only makes the real world extraordinarily hard for them. Another way to model respect, eye
contact. When your child is raising
their voice at you and you’re thinking about all that you’ve done for them and
that buzz word entitlement is flashing in your head, never lose eye
contact. It is the greatest, unspoken
form of confidence. When you’re walking
into your child’s school with him, greet the janitor the same way you will
greet his principal. When your daughter
comes home talking about a mean girl at school, be sure she doesn’t shy away
from her in the hallway, but look her in the eyes at any run-in. Respect comes in many forms, and it will be
a pillar of her success.
Teach them how to
stand up for themselves and how to argue.
This, in my opinion, can only
be done by modeling. My generation in
particular gets the entitlement wrap, and that’s not what we want for our sons
and daughters. Teaching them how to
stand up for themselves doesn’t mean complaining to a coach about a lack of
playing time or crying to a teacher about the ‘C’ they earned on their mediocre
paper, but it’s about standing up for themselves when someone talks down to
them, or bullies them, or when they are treated unfairly. Oh, and I am sure some of their work will be
mediocre. Tell them. If a ‘C’ is their
best, applaud them, but if they get an A- because they didn’t put in the work
they could have, reprimand them. Conflict
and confrontation are two large parts of our world, and they are inevitable,
which makes showing our children how to deal with them imperative. Not arguing with your spouse in front of your
kids, ever, is probably unrealistic.
Show them how to compromise, show them conflict resolution, show them how to apologize. They
need to know that apologies are not signs of weakness but signs of
strength.
Highly effective
parents walk the walk. They aren’t
perfect, they make mistakes, sometimes really big ones that are reprehensible,
but the effective ones don’t tell their children how to act, they show them. Now, children are not extensions of our arms.
They will do things and say things that
will make you say, “I didn’t raise you to do this.” I’m not there yet, these lessons are only
ones I hope to model, aspire to teach. My
biggest struggles with my child right now is being together too much, getting her to wear pants and brush her hair, when it will
one day be trying to get her to tell me just one thing about her day. While I don’t know how the next years of
parenthood will play out, I am devoting myself to the power of doing, to ensuring
my babies have the brightest futures
I can give them. And I’m going to enjoy
every minute I can call them mine.
**I'll also be telling her that if she wants to stay little and be my sous-chef forever, then that's fine by me :)
***Lighter blog post coming later this week hehe :)
xo
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